Devil said Dance

what would be better if everything is to end now for this pathetic excuse of a life and a waste of space of an existence that i call life now. 1. No more pain in my heart and head. 2. No more stressing about money, about being able to afford dinner tonight. 3. Just be free in the nothingness of the darkness. 4. Can't be a disappointment and a failure when there is nothing in the dark huh -- what is the word that describes the pain in your heart and soul that is beyond thought? i am the poison, that's why people leave me. i hope that this gets me through one more day.

it's more than depressing when i find myself stuck in conversations with peers and motherfuckers who are talking about buying cars that are like half a mill and i am here thinking to myself if i can afford dinner tonight. but i pretend and laugh with them and talk out of my ass as if i knew what the fuck was going on, then after the forced conversations i find myself tracking back how much i just spent on rent alone for the past 15 years and i sink further into depression and i fall again into pit of darkness where my depression awaits i am sick and tired of being a broke ass bitch, and i can't help to feel nothing but anger for the people that pretended to love and care but fucked me over when all i needed was them. this is why i hate to write all this shit down cos i will start crying like a little bitch, i wish i can and knew how to get over this. i'm too damn grown to be breaking down all the time.

i need to disappear. i am struggling to wake up everyday without thinking of suicide. i go through this cycle of depression and the desire to kill myself constantly, daily, hourly, i don't know how long i can fight this off before i actually do it. i come back to this rental room where i overpay for and just stuff myself with food even though i am not hungry. i barely survive each day, i sometimes go to the top floor of each building and talk myself down from just ending it all. i don't know why i do this, i have no one, i have no strings. i had a panic attack when getting take out for dinner, there were like a million muhfuckas around me and i i just suddenly started sweating and shit, things started to get weird, took everything i had to pull myself out of that place.

I wish i was someone else, i wish i was happy, i wish i have people who loves me and wants me to be around but it's not meant to be in this version of my existence, and i don't think i am okay with that, i feel that i am neither here nor there, i am nothing but a shadow of what and how i thought things would work out, every scenario i can think of, every painful past memory gets played on repeat without any warning like i can fucking literally cry in the bus on the way back like a little bitch. and i reach back in my bullshit ass room which i struggle to pay for every fucking month and just stuff my fucking face with food cos that's the only way i feel better, i am a point where i know it's getting from bad to worse, like i fucking see it but i can't stop it nor do i want to but i do feel that i have to change, i owe myself this change but i just want a little help, i want to wake up feeling happy.

Today is tougher than usual, i feel like i am shouting in my head and no one can hear me. i can feel myself day by day becoming more bitter about everything, my mood's to shit and i spend most of my time just trying to calm myself down. There is no semblance of life and i am thumping against the glass, with every thump a crack appears and once it's about to break, all the cracks disappears and i do it all over again, every single day. i took a degree that fucked me, stuck in a dead end job, maybe today's the day that the fates finally had their fill and end it all for me. i hope they do.

I spent this weekend and many weekends before this not uttering s single word.  But my thoughts and my self talk is going crazy and I am going crazy. I can't be a part of the fake shit anymore, no matter how fucked it might look from the surface level, I can't risk playing this game of when I am going to kill myself, if I turn back I will definitely kill myself, why can't guns be legal here, it would make this so much simpler, one squeeze and I am no more, I can finally rest.

I've lost everyone i know. I let it become like this, i thought it would feel better, it does don't get me wrong, but it still feels bad. I wish i held onto some of it instead of cutting it all off. I didn't realize that it will sting like this. I'm getting older, and I'm still in pain. it doesn't get any better but i have been through this for so long that I'm almost numb to it all. But on the other hand if they were really my friends and if the friendships was worth it for them, they would've held on to this too, but they didn't. So that's that. I want to do so many things but my dark passenger trips and blocks me every single time i attempt to change. Maybe it's all fucked and i gotta learn to be at peace. 

getting forgotten when you die is inevitable, the problem is when you're forgotten when you're still here. -- 34 huh, who'd woulde've thought that i'll still be here. nothing changes but that's on me for being too weak to start the process. i just want to matter to someone.

 how do you cope when your dream, the career you wanted to do for the remainder of your life gets crushed by the fact that you fucked up, with how your current life is panning out, the fuckery is on multiple levels and there is nothing much you can do about it? how do you then come to the fact that it will never get better? i'm just done.

i dreamt that i was happy, i dreamt that i beat this crippling depression. i dreamt that i got over everything that happened but it's just like a broken slot machine, it's looping all the fucked up shit over and over again, the moment i close my eyes, it doesn't stop.  i want to be better, i want to be happy. -- why did you leave me? why didn't you want me? and then you died.  i don't know who i am and i never will. -- How do i stop this pain and start living, i don't think i can.

 The pattern is getting hard to deny. and the only one i can blame is myself, i create fake scenarios and false realities in my head to make it all less painful but pain is all i have left. I am trying to be happy for other people's success but it's getting hard to, don't get me wrong, i get happy to learn people around me are progressing but it's getting hard to feel that anymore when i know that i am regressing towards below mediocrity, my brain is getting tired of trying to save my emotional self. i don't know how much longer i can give this attempt in living more energy and having things work out for one fucking time without having it all fucked from the start.  i need help and i don't deserve it.

I am trying today.  It was getting dark in my mind yesterday and i got scared. I sleep but i don't feel rested, maybe i can only rest when it all ends. I want to keep on trying but everything in my life is slowly nudging me towards the darkness.

this pain and the feeling of worthlessness is reaching my boiling point, something has to change, i know i have to but i don't think i have the strength to, but i owe it to myself to try, even if it ends in failure. but on the other hand, it would be so easy to just end it all. no one would know and there's minimal impact as no one will care or even know.  this, sometimes, overwhelming endless wave of regrets and pain can just make me cry at the strangest of places, i'm growing older yet i'm already gone in a way, faded into the darkness, what is the point in even trying, everything i touch and the people i actually gave a damn about i turn it all to poison, i see the pattern and i'm the poison, i just want to be around them, the rangers were the best thing about my life and i fucked it all up, i wished they knew how much i miss them, i was the best version of myself when i was around them, maybe that's why it all went to shit. and now, being alone, and broken i...

both of you broke me and i am still trying to fix myself, and the reality is that i probably won't till the day i die. i feel like my mind and my soul is broken. in my madness amidst the overwhelming pain of the mental and emotianal trauma, i've cut all ties to the world, to the people i knew but let's be honest, we weren't close anyway.. -- I never, never want to go home Because I haven't got one

why am i the way i am? i do so many things that i know will hurt me but i keep on doing it, like a fucking broken record. and the fucked up thing is that most of the times it's as if i'm having an out of body experience, looking down on my stupid ass making stupid mistakes and then like a snap i'm in it and fucking sweating like a fucking bitch. i don't know how to stop it. i'm so fucking tired of being this way, i need help and i don't know where or who is willing to even help my bitch ass when i obviously can't even help myself. 

i didn't know her but it makes me sad to see someone that was nice to me gone, it's weird.  it pains me to see someone with everything going for them in life to have it all taken away in an instant, life doesn't give a fuck, and it's cruel to see people who deserve life have it taken away from them. i wish peace and love to you. -- i wish i was the one that's gone, i have nothing to live for, no one that gives af besides someone from my past who is suffering from dementia who fucked my life up and yeah. there is nothing. growing older sucks and the reality is that it probably won't get any better, my shit is so insignificant that it hurts to think and feel. i wished i made some different choices in life, regrets and pain is all i have left in the tank, i am here but i am not here at the same time, 

 i hate being fat, and yes i know that motherfuckers would think "just lose weight", i don't know why it's so difficult for me, ok i lied, i know why. and i'm scared to face it head on. maybe i just don't. It's a mix of just accepting this and definitely all the underlying trauma that i have in my life. why don't i fix it? maybe it's the shame and potentially devastating outcome it might end with. Being alone sucks too but that's the reality that i chose and i should lie in the bed that i made. even if there was a chance to change the past i believe deep down it will still lead to this, me being alone and empty and just waiting for things to end. pushing everyone and everything away fixed my problems at one point in time but in the long run i can that maybe it isn't.  the pain i go through evey night isn't worth it, especially the pain inside, old shit keep replaying over and over again in my head like i'm being tortured, i don'...

why do i keep trying even when there's no point to? is my humanity the reason for me to keep on going?  at my core i know i'm done, but i am scared, scared that it will hurt before i die. why can't there be a button to just switch off.  the only way for me to make it through the day is by being a straight up cunt, cos people are cunts. nice people have a way of staying away from me, i would too if i were them, i am nothing but a cloud of darkness and negativity and poison that slowly corrupts and destroys everything that is good that happen to cross paths with me. something drastic needs to happen, the only thing i can think of is to just step off the ledge of the highest building straight to hell.  This is the reason why i squeeze all this pain and troubling thoughts into an imaginary box, lock it and throw away the key deep in my psyche, but the monsters keep on coming back no matter what i do, i'm done breaking down in the bus, at the bus stops, at work, in my room, ...

I know, in my heart, that it's done. I just don't know how to end it. I have nothing and am nothing. I can't talk or type about this without ending up crying and sobbing like a fucking baby. And it hurts all the time, and that's the truth. I need help and i can't find it, that's a god damn lie, i don't deserve to be helped.