this pain and the feeling of worthlessness is reaching my boiling point,

something has to change, i know i have to but i don't think i have the strength to, but i owe it to myself to try, even if it ends in failure.

but on the other hand, it would be so easy to just end it all. no one would know and there's minimal impact as no one will care or even know. 

this, sometimes, overwhelming endless wave of regrets and pain can just make me cry at the strangest of places, i'm growing older yet i'm already gone in a way, faded into the darkness, what is the point in even trying, everything i touch and the people i actually gave a damn about i turn it all to poison, i see the pattern and i'm the poison, i just want to be around them, the rangers were the best thing about my life and i fucked it all up, i wished they knew how much i miss them, i was the best version of myself when i was around them, maybe that's why it all went to shit. and now, being alone, and broken in all facets of my life, my mind keeps slipping back to the days when they were around. i never belonged anywhere, even when being around people, is this what being human is like?, i honestly don't know what the fuck i'm doing. the only time i actually felt whole and alive and wanted is when i'm around them, and it's all over and i'm here alone, maybe it's inevitable that it all goes to shit, like maybe there could be alternate reality that we're all still tight and i was happy, i can't even imagine that. 

it's reaching the point where i can see the fork in the road, and the sign that isn't blurred is to end it all. maybe i will be at peace and finally have rest.