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shit

why do i keep trying even when there's no point to? is my humanity the reason for me to keep on going? 
at my core i know i'm done, but i am scared, scared that it will hurt before i die. why can't there be a button to just switch off. 

the only way for me to make it through the day is by being a straight up cunt, cos people are cunts. nice people have a way of staying away from me, i would too if i were them, i am nothing but a cloud of darkness and negativity and poison that slowly corrupts and destroys everything that is good that happen to cross paths with me.

something drastic needs to happen, the only thing i can think of is to just step off the ledge of the highest building straight to hell. 

This is the reason why i squeeze all this pain and troubling thoughts into an imaginary box, lock it and throw away the key deep in my psyche, but the monsters keep on coming back no matter what i do, i'm done breaking down in the bus, at the bus stops, at work, in my room, it takes too much to drag myself out of the hole to the point where the hole becomes the norm, or so i think.

my attempts to lose weight has been a failure so far, i feel so empty and pushing in food inside makes me feel something. makes me feel that i am full. sometimes i catch myself in the act after buying a bunch of food when i'm not even that hungry and i will force myself to eat all that shit and feel like shit after.


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