i hate being fat, and yes i know that motherfuckers would think "just lose weight", i don't know why it's so difficult for me, ok i lied, i know why. and i'm scared to face it head on. maybe i just don't. It's a mix of just accepting this and definitely all the underlying trauma that i have in my life. why don't i fix it? maybe it's the shame and potentially devastating outcome it might end with. Being alone sucks too but that's the reality that i chose and i should lie in the bed that i made. even if there was a chance to change the past i believe deep down it will still lead to this, me being alone and empty and just waiting for things to end. pushing everyone and everything away fixed my problems at one point in time but in the long run i can that maybe it isn't. 

the pain i go through evey night isn't worth it, especially the pain inside, old shit keep replaying over and over again in my head like i'm being tortured, i don't know how to turn it off, i don't know how to stop it and just breathe and rest. maybe death is really the rest that i am craving for. 

I don't believe in god, i don't think i ever had, if there was a fucking dude in the sky why in the fuck would the motherfucker give a fuck about us? but when i express these thoughts i am a bad person.