Devil said Dance

i dreamt i was living an easy life, surrounded by people who i love, where i had no issues. i just found you passed on years ago, all this while you were my salvation from all the pain i've caused to so many people. you did not treat me differently and yet you are gone too and i didn't know all this time. and my heart is breaking into a million more pieces. i wished you knew you gave me strength when i was struggling, you gave me belief in myself that i wasn't different and now i will never have the chance to thank you, but i'm gonna try with what time i have left to make you and your brother proud. i love you uncle mamat.

whenever i feel myself getting near to that edge, near the bottomless pit of depression i just wanna dive in and let go and be at peace. i am living this constant cycle of knowing this will happen but i just don't know when. these dreams are getting darker and darker, i am tired of waking up in tears and sobbing.

i feel it all going away, i closed my eyes and my youth is gone and i am old now, with nothing to my name, my shadow being my only company. my dreams get darker by the day, the crevice where my soul should be gets emptier and more hollow. but in my darkest times, memories of people i consider family at one point in my life crosses my mind and before my heart breaks everything seemed okay for that couple of minutes, and then reality sets in. and everything comes into focus how do you go on and pretend everything's okay when you know deep down inside that it's better off dying than to be alone. i have been alone for so long that i find myself actively avoiding everyone even though i want to be around people that want me to be around but that does not exist. everyone leaves eventually and i hate that it's still painful whenever it comes to mind, people i consider friends and family ghosting and eventually i am alone. Maybe that's how my life is supposed to end up, tired an...

 if there is a heaven, would you be there? would you be happy? would you have forgiven my pity attempt to be someone, would you have been okay how i am not doing okay. repressed memories keep surfacing and i die inside. i don't know how long i can go on with this life. the masks that i keep changing are getting too many to count that sometimes i get into a panic when i don't know how to react in certain situations. how am i even still alive for this long, maybe this is a curse.

money would solve my problems or at least numb the pain at least. but i barely have it and it's glaringly painful. i would have helped a lot of people if i had money. how do i let this pain go? i am the king of pretending one day and the next i am in pieces. i am in pain and i don't know how to make it go away. what if i made different choices in key decisions of my life. i would be around people i love, i would still have friends, i would still be in a family nuclei. would i be happy then? would i be fulfilled?  but the decisions i've made has either killed or blocked these scenarios from ever happening or working out. That's the truth, and i have to learn to be okay with that.

what would be better if everything is to end now for this pathetic excuse of a life and a waste of space of an existence that i call life now. 1. No more pain in my heart and head. 2. No more stressing about money, about being able to afford dinner tonight. 3. Just be free in the nothingness of the darkness. 4. Can't be a disappointment and a failure when there is nothing in the dark huh -- what is the word that describes the pain in your heart and soul that is beyond thought? i am the poison, that's why people leave me. i hope that this gets me through one more day.