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I can't even afford a fucking house. I might be out of this bullshit job soon that drains my fucking soul every minute I'm here. I tried to chase a career that didn't amount to anything.  I don't have savings, I don't have a future at this bullshit job that pays me jack shit. I don't have anyone, I don't have a family, I don't have friends, I don't have anything. Is it time for me to just kill myself? I should stop being a fucking pussy and just do it, there is nothing to live for besides being angry, being sad, being fucking bitter about every fucking thing, having memories of how I fucked my life up and everyone else's around me playing on repeat in my head, how I keep blaming everyone else but the problem was always me, it's like I have a cloud of poison surrounding me and infecting everything I touch or get close to. I know nothing else but sadness and anger and pain in my heart, I just want to be wanted but nobody wants me, I keep crying...
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Recent posts
 36 huh bub, i'm still here, still struggling like i'm 14 again. the depression might be too much now, typing all this out is getting harder and harder without sobbing like a fucking kid. why am i still trying? i have no one in my life, nobody that will know if I'd kill myself, maybe i should just do it. i am just tired of it all.  i will never get to feel anything real in this life. i will never experience friendships again, i will never feel what it's like to love or be loved, to be wanted and there's no one else to blame but myself.
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i am screwed.  i am broke, i'm almost 40 and i am still living paycheck to paycheck. suicide might be the only way out.
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 i tried being positive and happy, i feel like i am getting punched in the gut every day till i can't breathe. This life is not for me, i have nothing, i have no money, i have no friends, i have no family.  i don't see any way out, ending it all is looking like the only choice i have. i can't do many more of this, i'm just tired of crying, i'm just tired of my soul aching. i deserve this pain.
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 i'm trying. i'm really trying, i just need a little help if that's not too much to ask. i feel age creeping up on me and i have nothing to show for it, i alienate myself from my friends, my peers and the adopted family thinking it would make me feel better but it does not, it just makes the screaming in my head echo inside, making it louder. i want to feel peace, i want to be somewhere that i belong. i can't live like this much longer, paycheck to paycheck, looking for rooms to rent. i hate it, i hate it all
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goodbye um

i dreamt i was living an easy life, surrounded by people who i love, where i had no issues. i just found you passed on years ago, all this while you were my salvation from all the pain i've caused to so many people. you did not treat me differently and yet you are gone too and i didn't know all this time. and my heart is breaking into a million more pieces. i wished you knew you gave me strength when i was struggling, you gave me belief in myself that i wasn't different and now i will never have the chance to thank you, but i'm gonna try with what time i have left to make you and your brother proud. i love you uncle mamat.
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whenever i feel myself getting near to that edge, near the bottomless pit of depression i just wanna dive in and let go and be at peace. i am living this constant cycle of knowing this will happen but i just don't know when. these dreams are getting darker and darker, i am tired of waking up in tears and sobbing.
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