Skip to main content

Posts

 36 huh bub, i'm still here, still struggling like i'm 14 again. the depression might be too much now, typing all this out is getting harder and harder without sobbing like a fucking kid. why am i still trying? i have no one in my life, nobody that will know if I'd kill myself, maybe i should just do it. i am just tired of it all.  i will never get to feel anything real in this life. i will never experience friendships again, i will never feel what it's like to love or be loved, to be wanted and there's no one else to blame but myself.
Post a Comment
Read more
Recent posts
i am screwed.  i am broke, i'm almost 40 and i am still living paycheck to paycheck. suicide might be the only way out.
Post a Comment
Read more
 i tried being positive and happy, i feel like i am getting punched in the gut every day till i can't breathe. This life is not for me, i have nothing, i have no money, i have no friends, i have no family.  i don't see any way out, ending it all is looking like the only choice i have. i can't do many more of this, i'm just tired of crying, i'm just tired of my soul aching. i deserve this pain.
Post a Comment
Read more
 i'm trying. i'm really trying, i just need a little help if that's not too much to ask. i feel age creeping up on me and i have nothing to show for it, i alienate myself from my friends, my peers and the adopted family thinking it would make me feel better but it does not, it just makes the screaming in my head echo inside, making it louder. i want to feel peace, i want to be somewhere that i belong. i can't live like this much longer, paycheck to paycheck, looking for rooms to rent. i hate it, i hate it all
Post a Comment
Read more

goodbye um

i dreamt i was living an easy life, surrounded by people who i love, where i had no issues. i just found you passed on years ago, all this while you were my salvation from all the pain i've caused to so many people. you did not treat me differently and yet you are gone too and i didn't know all this time. and my heart is breaking into a million more pieces. i wished you knew you gave me strength when i was struggling, you gave me belief in myself that i wasn't different and now i will never have the chance to thank you, but i'm gonna try with what time i have left to make you and your brother proud. i love you uncle mamat.
Post a Comment
Read more
whenever i feel myself getting near to that edge, near the bottomless pit of depression i just wanna dive in and let go and be at peace. i am living this constant cycle of knowing this will happen but i just don't know when. these dreams are getting darker and darker, i am tired of waking up in tears and sobbing.
Post a Comment
Read more
i feel it all going away, i closed my eyes and my youth is gone and i am old now, with nothing to my name, my shadow being my only company. my dreams get darker by the day, the crevice where my soul should be gets emptier and more hollow. but in my darkest times, memories of people i consider family at one point in my life crosses my mind and before my heart breaks everything seemed okay for that couple of minutes, and then reality sets in. and everything comes into focus how do you go on and pretend everything's okay when you know deep down inside that it's better off dying than to be alone. i have been alone for so long that i find myself actively avoiding everyone even though i want to be around people that want me to be around but that does not exist. everyone leaves eventually and i hate that it's still painful whenever it comes to mind, people i consider friends and family ghosting and eventually i am alone. Maybe that's how my life is supposed to end up, tired an...
Post a Comment
Read more