Devil said Dance

I can't even afford a fucking house. I might be out of this bullshit job soon that drains my fucking soul every minute I'm here. I tried to chase a career that didn't amount to anything.  I don't have savings, I don't have a future at this bullshit job that pays me jack shit. I don't have anyone, I don't have a family, I don't have friends, I don't have anything. Is it time for me to just kill myself? I should stop being a fucking pussy and just do it, there is nothing to live for besides being angry, being sad, being fucking bitter about every fucking thing, having memories of how I fucked my life up and everyone else's around me playing on repeat in my head, how I keep blaming everyone else but the problem was always me, it's like I have a cloud of poison surrounding me and infecting everything I touch or get close to. I know nothing else but sadness and anger and pain in my heart, I just want to be wanted but nobody wants me, I keep crying...

 36 huh bub, i'm still here, still struggling like i'm 14 again. the depression might be too much now, typing all this out is getting harder and harder without sobbing like a fucking kid. why am i still trying? i have no one in my life, nobody that will know if I'd kill myself, maybe i should just do it. i am just tired of it all.  i will never get to feel anything real in this life. i will never experience friendships again, i will never feel what it's like to love or be loved, to be wanted and there's no one else to blame but myself.

i am screwed.  i am broke, i'm almost 40 and i am still living paycheck to paycheck. suicide might be the only way out.

 i tried being positive and happy, i feel like i am getting punched in the gut every day till i can't breathe. This life is not for me, i have nothing, i have no money, i have no friends, i have no family.  i don't see any way out, ending it all is looking like the only choice i have. i can't do many more of this, i'm just tired of crying, i'm just tired of my soul aching. i deserve this pain.

 i'm trying. i'm really trying, i just need a little help if that's not too much to ask. i feel age creeping up on me and i have nothing to show for it, i alienate myself from my friends, my peers and the adopted family thinking it would make me feel better but it does not, it just makes the screaming in my head echo inside, making it louder. i want to feel peace, i want to be somewhere that i belong. i can't live like this much longer, paycheck to paycheck, looking for rooms to rent. i hate it, i hate it all

i dreamt i was living an easy life, surrounded by people who i love, where i had no issues. i just found you passed on years ago, all this while you were my salvation from all the pain i've caused to so many people. you did not treat me differently and yet you are gone too and i didn't know all this time. and my heart is breaking into a million more pieces. i wished you knew you gave me strength when i was struggling, you gave me belief in myself that i wasn't different and now i will never have the chance to thank you, but i'm gonna try with what time i have left to make you and your brother proud. i love you uncle mamat.

whenever i feel myself getting near to that edge, near the bottomless pit of depression i just wanna dive in and let go and be at peace. i am living this constant cycle of knowing this will happen but i just don't know when. these dreams are getting darker and darker, i am tired of waking up in tears and sobbing.

i feel it all going away, i closed my eyes and my youth is gone and i am old now, with nothing to my name, my shadow being my only company. my dreams get darker by the day, the crevice where my soul should be gets emptier and more hollow. but in my darkest times, memories of people i consider family at one point in my life crosses my mind and before my heart breaks everything seemed okay for that couple of minutes, and then reality sets in. and everything comes into focus how do you go on and pretend everything's okay when you know deep down inside that it's better off dying than to be alone. i have been alone for so long that i find myself actively avoiding everyone even though i want to be around people that want me to be around but that does not exist. everyone leaves eventually and i hate that it's still painful whenever it comes to mind, people i consider friends and family ghosting and eventually i am alone. Maybe that's how my life is supposed to end up, tired an...

 if there is a heaven, would you be there? would you be happy? would you have forgiven my pity attempt to be someone, would you have been okay how i am not doing okay. repressed memories keep surfacing and i die inside. i don't know how long i can go on with this life. the masks that i keep changing are getting too many to count that sometimes i get into a panic when i don't know how to react in certain situations. how am i even still alive for this long, maybe this is a curse.

money would solve my problems or at least numb the pain at least. but i barely have it and it's glaringly painful. i would have helped a lot of people if i had money. how do i let this pain go? i am the king of pretending one day and the next i am in pieces. i am in pain and i don't know how to make it go away. what if i made different choices in key decisions of my life. i would be around people i love, i would still have friends, i would still be in a family nuclei. would i be happy then? would i be fulfilled?  but the decisions i've made has either killed or blocked these scenarios from ever happening or working out. That's the truth, and i have to learn to be okay with that.

what would be better if everything is to end now for this pathetic excuse of a life and a waste of space of an existence that i call life now. 1. No more pain in my heart and head. 2. No more stressing about money, about being able to afford dinner tonight. 3. Just be free in the nothingness of the darkness. 4. Can't be a disappointment and a failure when there is nothing in the dark huh -- what is the word that describes the pain in your heart and soul that is beyond thought? i am the poison, that's why people leave me. i hope that this gets me through one more day.

it's more than depressing when i find myself stuck in conversations with peers and motherfuckers who are talking about buying cars that are like half a mill and i am here thinking to myself if i can afford dinner tonight. but i pretend and laugh with them and talk out of my ass as if i knew what the fuck was going on, then after the forced conversations i find myself tracking back how much i just spent on rent alone for the past 15 years and i sink further into depression and i fall again into pit of darkness where my depression awaits i am sick and tired of being a broke ass bitch, and i can't help to feel nothing but anger for the people that pretended to love and care but fucked me over when all i needed was them. this is why i hate to write all this shit down cos i will start crying like a little bitch, i wish i can and knew how to get over this. i'm too damn grown to be breaking down all the time.

i need to disappear. i am struggling to wake up everyday without thinking of suicide. i go through this cycle of depression and the desire to kill myself constantly, daily, hourly, i don't know how long i can fight this off before i actually do it. i come back to this rental room where i overpay for and just stuff myself with food even though i am not hungry. i barely survive each day, i sometimes go to the top floor of each building and talk myself down from just ending it all. i don't know why i do this, i have no one, i have no strings. i had a panic attack when getting take out for dinner, there were like a million muhfuckas around me and i i just suddenly started sweating and shit, things started to get weird, took everything i had to pull myself out of that place.

I wish i was someone else, i wish i was happy, i wish i have people who loves me and wants me to be around but it's not meant to be in this version of my existence, and i don't think i am okay with that, i feel that i am neither here nor there, i am nothing but a shadow of what and how i thought things would work out, every scenario i can think of, every painful past memory gets played on repeat without any warning like i can fucking literally cry in the bus on the way back like a little bitch. and i reach back in my bullshit ass room which i struggle to pay for every fucking month and just stuff my fucking face with food cos that's the only way i feel better, i am a point where i know it's getting from bad to worse, like i fucking see it but i can't stop it nor do i want to but i do feel that i have to change, i owe myself this change but i just want a little help, i want to wake up feeling happy.

Today is tougher than usual, i feel like i am shouting in my head and no one can hear me. i can feel myself day by day becoming more bitter about everything, my mood's to shit and i spend most of my time just trying to calm myself down. There is no semblance of life and i am thumping against the glass, with every thump a crack appears and once it's about to break, all the cracks disappears and i do it all over again, every single day. i took a degree that fucked me, stuck in a dead end job, maybe today's the day that the fates finally had their fill and end it all for me. i hope they do.

I spent this weekend and many weekends before this not uttering s single word.  But my thoughts and my self talk is going crazy and I am going crazy. I can't be a part of the fake shit anymore, no matter how fucked it might look from the surface level, I can't risk playing this game of when I am going to kill myself, if I turn back I will definitely kill myself, why can't guns be legal here, it would make this so much simpler, one squeeze and I am no more, I can finally rest.

I've lost everyone i know. I let it become like this, i thought it would feel better, it does don't get me wrong, but it still feels bad. I wish i held onto some of it instead of cutting it all off. I didn't realize that it will sting like this. I'm getting older, and I'm still in pain. it doesn't get any better but i have been through this for so long that I'm almost numb to it all. But on the other hand if they were really my friends and if the friendships was worth it for them, they would've held on to this too, but they didn't. So that's that. I want to do so many things but my dark passenger trips and blocks me every single time i attempt to change. Maybe it's all fucked and i gotta learn to be at peace. 

getting forgotten when you die is inevitable, the problem is when you're forgotten when you're still here. -- 34 huh, who'd woulde've thought that i'll still be here. nothing changes but that's on me for being too weak to start the process. i just want to matter to someone.

 how do you cope when your dream, the career you wanted to do for the remainder of your life gets crushed by the fact that you fucked up, with how your current life is panning out, the fuckery is on multiple levels and there is nothing much you can do about it? how do you then come to the fact that it will never get better? i'm just done.

i dreamt that i was happy, i dreamt that i beat this crippling depression. i dreamt that i got over everything that happened but it's just like a broken slot machine, it's looping all the fucked up shit over and over again, the moment i close my eyes, it doesn't stop.  i want to be better, i want to be happy. -- why did you leave me? why didn't you want me? and then you died.  i don't know who i am and i never will. -- How do i stop this pain and start living, i don't think i can.