Devil said Dance

what do you know of pain? it is almost always associated with something physical but it's the one you feel inside that actually hurts the most. It's when people close to you say you will never amount to anything. So what do you think of pain? It's when you finally realized that after years and years of thinking you know someone, they can instantly change in the blink of an eye and becoming just another stranger that you see walking past you in the bus or train. see you again soon.

i feel like i am worthless, i know i am, i can't amount to anything good. i spend hours telling myself that i am actually a good person with a normal life but i am not. this feeling of emptiness inside me makes me go crazy. i know i am a disappointment, a burden to your perfect family. i'm sorry for being born and brought into your perfect existence. i wished i had died with my mother. i wished i wasn't here today, at all. i am not saying this just because of a bad day or what but i have felt this way most of my life and nothing you say or you can do that will change that. i am just so tired of all this.

i really wanted to do this to change my life, i know you did you had to do, it just sucks to be at my expense. it's been almost a month of me doing nothing, i know i should be doing something other than this. i feel like i had an idea what i wanted to do, but all i'm left with is emptiness now, i feel lost, i feel like i lost my way. i know that i have to get a job but everytime i want to do it, there's this little voice that whispers to me what could have been different. i'm just tired of being a nobody, i will change my life, with or without an education.

The past few weeks has been draining, especially emotionally, i now know that the money for my diploma is almost gone and it's not even my fault. I'm not angry nor am i sad. Don't cry before me, i know what you will do what you have to do to keep the family afloat, it just gets a bit harder, that's all. And you don't have to return it also, at least the money have helped you, don't go about saying you wanna pawn your jewelry and stuff, i'm not asking you to return it. Please be strong.

It's always easy to blame others. I know how it feels to be blamed. That was a part of my life I regretted going through, doing bad things. I know it's always easy to point the finger to someone who has committed it before but don't you think that if he didn't do it you're just piling in more pain, more guilt into him. Cos there's no way for him to deny it and you believing him. Put yourself in his shoes, feel his pain, feel his anger. Even though he did all those things before in his teen, don't you think he could have change and maybe it's you who misplace it. The feeling when your own family don't trust you, don't believe your words, give you that dirty look, the feeling just makes you want to kill yourself. I know I'm the one to be blamed cos I put myself in this situation but I try to change, be good. No one notice my attempts to turn over a new leaf, I try so hard. All I ask is to give me a chance.

why am i getting so emotional whenever im updating my blog, a lot of years worth of pain is in this, no one will ever read this nor know that i have a blog. i hate having no money, i hate having ask from you guys, you think i want to? if you want me to fucking work, i'll fucking work goddamnit, and everyone fucking thinks i have money, like i don't even have a dollar on me, i'm not asking for your sympathy, seriously. i feel that you don't care at all, you said you're gonna help me with this, nothing's been happening, what do you mean that you're gonna help? you are not giving me any more money, i get it, for fuck sake what do you want me to do? steal? i can do that, easily. but i don't want to be that person anymore, i really don't. it's very hard to wake up everyday and know that nothing is guaranteed, i hate the fact that i'm so weak, mentally physically and emotionally. i just want this all to end, end please end.

How is it my fault that you guys go broke? I didn't ask you to invest in that business.. Remember it's your mistakes, not mine. I can't go to school cos you sending her go overseas and shit, I have to work and support myself and help with the bills? Tell me which part of it is fair? I try to not ask money all the time but please use your brain, I don't have to eat? I don't have to spend money when I go out? Is that your idea of fair? Might as well I move out, live on my own since I have to pay for everything. At least if I do that I have a place to call my own, I have no privacy here, I have no room, I hate sleeping on the floor, you know how sucky that is, every fucking day, son of a bitch, no one understand my needs and shit, and you call yourselves my family, no man, that is total bullshit.