why am i getting so emotional whenever im updating my blog, a lot of years worth of pain is in this, no one will ever read this nor know that i have a blog. i hate having no money, i hate having ask from you guys, you think i want to? if you want me to fucking work, i'll fucking work goddamnit, and everyone fucking thinks i have money, like i don't even have a dollar on me, i'm not asking for your sympathy, seriously. i feel that you don't care at all, you said you're gonna help me with this, nothing's been happening, what do you mean that you're gonna help? you are not giving me any more money, i get it, for fuck sake what do you want me to do? steal? i can do that, easily. but i don't want to be that person anymore, i really don't. it's very hard to wake up everyday and know that nothing is guaranteed, i hate the fact that i'm so weak, mentally physically and emotionally. i just want this all to end, end please end.
i feel it all going away, i closed my eyes and my youth is gone and i am old now, with nothing to my name, my shadow being my only company. my dreams get darker by the day, the crevice where my soul should be gets emptier and more hollow. but in my darkest times, memories of people i consider family at one point in my life crosses my mind and before my heart breaks everything seemed okay for that couple of minutes, and then reality sets in. and everything comes into focus how do you go on and pretend everything's okay when you know deep down inside that it's better off dying than to be alone. i have been alone for so long that i find myself actively avoiding everyone even though i want to be around people that want me to be around but that does not exist. everyone leaves eventually and i hate that it's still painful whenever it comes to mind, people i consider friends and family ghosting and eventually i am alone. Maybe that's how my life is supposed to end up, tired an...
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