why am i getting so emotional whenever im updating my blog, a lot of years worth of pain is in this, no one will ever read this nor know that i have a blog. i hate having no money, i hate having ask from you guys, you think i want to? if you want me to fucking work, i'll fucking work goddamnit, and everyone fucking thinks i have money, like i don't even have a dollar on me, i'm not asking for your sympathy, seriously. i feel that you don't care at all, you said you're gonna help me with this, nothing's been happening, what do you mean that you're gonna help? you are not giving me any more money, i get it, for fuck sake what do you want me to do? steal? i can do that, easily. but i don't want to be that person anymore, i really don't. it's very hard to wake up everyday and know that nothing is guaranteed, i hate the fact that i'm so weak, mentally physically and emotionally. i just want this all to end, end please end.
These past few days has been shittier than normal. How do you stay positive? Maybe it's all the junk i stuff in my face, hoping to fill the big motherfucking hole in my life. I'm so deep in the hole that the light goes in and out for a split second before it disappears and leave me, There was a time when i used to look forward to the future, but my body physically cringes at the thought of trying to live for another day, i sit here and wait for things to change which i know that it fucking won't but i still wait. I have cut ties from everyone that i know, all the "family and friends" but the truth is sometimes they are the ones who cut ties with me, it's hard being honest with myself cos sometimes i lie to myself to just make it through the day, that people around me actually gave a fuck but they don't. am i a narcissist? the thoughts in my head gets so deafening that i prefer silence most of the time. and when it all dials down i need to blast music in my...
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