Devil said Dance

"that sick feeling in your gut,
when you disappoint people around you.
when they talk with a low voice,
when you realized that you have crossed the line.
too far out that looking back doesn't help.
you wish that you can go back,
and just change the past."

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it's more than depressing when i find myself stuck in conversations with peers and motherfuckers who are talking about buying cars that are like half a mill and i am here thinking to myself if i can afford dinner tonight. but i pretend and laugh with them and talk out of my ass as if i knew what the fuck was going on, then after the forced conversations i find myself tracking back how much i just spent on rent alone for the past 15 years and i sink further into depression and i fall again into pit of darkness where my depression awaits i am sick and tired of being a broke ass bitch, and i can't help to feel nothing but anger for the people that pretended to love and care but fucked me over when all i needed was them. this is why i hate to write all this shit down cos i will start crying like a little bitch, i wish i can and knew how to get over this. i'm too damn grown to be breaking down all the time.

How is it my fault that you guys go broke? I didn't ask you to invest in that business.. Remember it's your mistakes, not mine. I can't go to school cos you sending her go overseas and shit, I have to work and support myself and help with the bills? Tell me which part of it is fair? I try to not ask money all the time but please use your brain, I don't have to eat? I don't have to spend money when I go out? Is that your idea of fair? Might as well I move out, live on my own since I have to pay for everything. At least if I do that I have a place to call my own, I have no privacy here, I have no room, I hate sleeping on the floor, you know how sucky that is, every fucking day, son of a bitch, no one understand my needs and shit, and you call yourselves my family, no man, that is total bullshit.

i feel like i am worthless, i know i am, i can't amount to anything good. i spend hours telling myself that i am actually a good person with a normal life but i am not. this feeling of emptiness inside me makes me go crazy. i know i am a disappointment, a burden to your perfect family. i'm sorry for being born and brought into your perfect existence. i wished i had died with my mother. i wished i wasn't here today, at all. i am not saying this just because of a bad day or what but i have felt this way most of my life and nothing you say or you can do that will change that. i am just so tired of all this.