Devil said Dance

 i hate being fat, and yes i know that motherfuckers would think "just lose weight", i don't know why it's so difficult for me, ok i lied, i know why. and i'm scared to face it head on. maybe i just don't. It's a mix of just accepting this and definitely all the underlying trauma that i have in my life. why don't i fix it? maybe it's the shame and potentially devastating outcome it might end with. Being alone sucks too but that's the reality that i chose and i should lie in the bed that i made. even if there was a chance to change the past i believe deep down it will still lead to this, me being alone and empty and just waiting for things to end. pushing everyone and everything away fixed my problems at one point in time but in the long run i can that maybe it isn't.  the pain i go through evey night isn't worth it, especially the pain inside, old shit keep replaying over and over again in my head like i'm being tortured, i don'...

why do i keep trying even when there's no point to? is my humanity the reason for me to keep on going?  at my core i know i'm done, but i am scared, scared that it will hurt before i die. why can't there be a button to just switch off.  the only way for me to make it through the day is by being a straight up cunt, cos people are cunts. nice people have a way of staying away from me, i would too if i were them, i am nothing but a cloud of darkness and negativity and poison that slowly corrupts and destroys everything that is good that happen to cross paths with me. something drastic needs to happen, the only thing i can think of is to just step off the ledge of the highest building straight to hell.  This is the reason why i squeeze all this pain and troubling thoughts into an imaginary box, lock it and throw away the key deep in my psyche, but the monsters keep on coming back no matter what i do, i'm done breaking down in the bus, at the bus stops, at work, in my room, ...

I know, in my heart, that it's done. I just don't know how to end it. I have nothing and am nothing. I can't talk or type about this without ending up crying and sobbing like a fucking baby. And it hurts all the time, and that's the truth. I need help and i can't find it, that's a god damn lie, i don't deserve to be helped.

These past few days has been shittier than normal. How do you stay positive? Maybe it's all the junk i stuff in my face, hoping to fill the big motherfucking hole in my life. I'm so deep in the hole that the light goes in and out for a split second before it disappears and leave me, There was a time when i used to look forward to the future, but my body physically cringes at the thought of trying to live for another day, i sit here and wait for things to change which i know that it fucking won't but i still wait. I have cut ties from everyone that i know, all the "family and friends" but the truth is sometimes they are the ones who cut ties with me, it's hard being honest with myself cos sometimes i lie to myself to just make it through the day, that people around me actually gave a fuck but they don't. am i a narcissist? the thoughts in my head gets so deafening that i prefer silence most of the time. and when it all dials down i need to blast music in my...

There is only one way i make it through this shithole of an existance and i know i'm not gonna get it. Maybe it's a good thing that things don't work out for me in this life, but it does suck when every day is so hard to get through. Yeah i get, get over it dude. there are people who are worse off and shit, but i am not them. I have pretended to be someone i'm not for so long, amongst people who actually don't give a fuck if i'm still here or not.  What's real at this point, what's things song and dance i pretend to do, day in day out, at this point. What's the point in it all ya know. Maybe i'm just bitter, maybe i'm being a bitch. I know things can be worse like being broke broke or not having anywhere to sleep, maybe i should be grateful of the little things in life, see the good and shit.

 I'm beginning to have grey hairs, yet i'm still wandering around like a fucking child. i'm unsure of a lot of things, living alone and trying to get to the next paycheck month after month is my reality. people say comparing is bad, but how can i hide from the truth, even i'm not that daft. to put into perspective, after crossing out the t's and dotting the i's, i have nothing literally. i have no one, i have no family. i have no friends, i am putting on this fake ass shit mask and pretend everything's good ya know, but it's getting old. real quick. there is a lot of uncertainty, of whether i still want to make something out of my time here or just take the L and leave. it's not bitching out if there's no point.  maybe that's the thing isn't it, the point of it all, what is the point of living when you can't win, how long more can i go on and be a bitch and just pretend something will work out and become old and alone and then die of ...

I think that this might be it. I'm just exhausted from trying to live.