Devil said Dance

i was around some happy family and i did not know that kind of happiness, that kind of love, real unconditional love existed. I'm lost and alone and i deserve this. I felt angry and alone and my insides squirm and screamed at the same time. i don't believe that my problems is bigger than anyone else's but i just want this pain to stop. i feel my life is on repeat, like a prison of sorts, a never ending prison. i am losing my grip on hope, on getting over this pain. i want to feel normal, to be normal but i can't. i feel like there's a hole in my heart and soul and it's getting bigger day by day. i am getting closer to the abyss than i feared. i can never normal, i want to feel hope but i cannot, all i feel is pain and sadness and anger, i walk around in my empty shell day by day just existing.

i tried sharing my pain to an old friend and she told me i was seeking attention,  my heart broke and that is how i knew i am alone. i tried to let someone know i am going through this but when i do i get it all thrown in my face again. at least now i know there is no one i can turn to. maybe some lives are not meant to be spectacular. don't act as if you did not kick me out of the house, don't act as if you traded my future and my money for your own flesh and blood, you killed me, i have grown up with fear and anger and ridicule that was always reserved for me from the get go, i wish your family the best but a part of it i am no more. here's hoping i won't wake up tomorrow.

i'm haunted by dreams of what could have been, woken up by nightmares of my sins.

Days past i feel empty and hollow, Nights go on but i can hear them calling my name i want to feel something. ---- I don't know how i am surviving, i don't know how i am making it through the day without ending my life. i just want the pain to stop, i want to stop trying to hope that this is the last day of my life. i want to feel what the other normal people feel even for just a while. i know that most people do not understand  this pain, this longing  to belong they act as if they do but they really don't. they do this to make themselves feel better about themselves. even the ones who think they are closest to me don't know about my struggles. till next time.

My year has been nothing but pain and disappointments, but so has my life, i am broke, alone and the thought of ending it all comes to my mind everyday. i have gone through one hell of a storm and somehow i am still here, i don't know how, i don't know why. it must be a sick joke to someone i guess. i am haunted by what could have been, i am ashamed of how i fucked it all up. i am ashamed of how i let other people fuck it up on my behalf, if only i knew better. but what's done is done and i am reaping what i sow. I wish everyone who is reading this dreadful post a happy new year, may it be filled with happiness and love.

I've been spending my time contemplating on getting things that i want, i want to be with a girl that does not want to be with me, i want to be with a family that does not want me, i want to be immersed in a religion that i don't believe in, i want to feel love but i don't deserve it. I have lived most of my life in a lie that sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two, i created a bubble where i am this amazing guy who actually mattered, who is actually genuinely loved by his family. but i know that will never and i am actually okay with that. I lie about everything in my life, i lie about everything and it comes to a point where i am not ashamed of it anymore. i know i shouldn't do it, i know i shouldn't be pretending about it especially to myself, but it makes me continue living, makes me want to go another day in this earth. i wish i was not like this but i have made peace with it even though i am not, if that makes any sort of sense. I am lo...

I cannot feel anything besides all this rage and pain. I pretend every single day, I pretend that i am happy. I know i am just waiting for it all to end, I want to it all to end. I get it, Not everyone gets to live the life we all dream. It just sucks so bad I feel like i am drowning. I pretend to be happy around my friends but all i want is to sleep and never wake up. To sleep and just float away. Let me sleep.