Devil said Dance

I've been spending my time contemplating on getting things that i want, i want to be with a girl that does not want to be with me, i want to be with a family that does not want me, i want to be immersed in a religion that i don't believe in, i want to feel love but i don't deserve it.

I have lived most of my life in a lie that sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two, i created a bubble where i am this amazing guy who actually mattered, who is actually genuinely loved by his family. but i know that will never and i am actually okay with that.

I lie about everything in my life, i lie about everything and it comes to a point where i am not ashamed of it anymore. i know i shouldn't do it, i know i shouldn't be pretending about it especially to myself, but it makes me continue living, makes me want to go another day in this earth. i wish i was not like this but i have made peace with it even though i am not, if that makes any sort of sense.

I am lost, i am wandering around aimlessly in my dreams, i wish for a new beginning that can never happen.

Goodbye for now.

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reasons to kill myself

what would be better if everything is to end now for this pathetic excuse of a life and a waste of space of an existence that i call life now. 1. No more pain in my heart and head. 2. No more stressing about money, about being able to afford dinner tonight. 3. Just be free in the nothingness of the darkness. 4. Can't be a disappointment and a failure when there is nothing in the dark huh -- what is the word that describes the pain in your heart and soul that is beyond thought? i am the poison, that's why people leave me. i hope that this gets me through one more day.