I've been spending my time contemplating on getting things that i want, i want to be with a girl that does not want to be with me, i want to be with a family that does not want me, i want to be immersed in a religion that i don't believe in, i want to feel love but i don't deserve it.

I have lived most of my life in a lie that sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two, i created a bubble where i am this amazing guy who actually mattered, who is actually genuinely loved by his family. but i know that will never and i am actually okay with that.

I lie about everything in my life, i lie about everything and it comes to a point where i am not ashamed of it anymore. i know i shouldn't do it, i know i shouldn't be pretending about it especially to myself, but it makes me continue living, makes me want to go another day in this earth. i wish i was not like this but i have made peace with it even though i am not, if that makes any sort of sense.

I am lost, i am wandering around aimlessly in my dreams, i wish for a new beginning that can never happen.


Goodbye for now.