Devil said Dance

 how do you cope when your dream, the career you wanted to do for the remainder of your life gets crushed by the fact that you fucked up, with how your current life is panning out, the fuckery is on multiple levels and there is nothing much you can do about it? how do you then come to the fact that it will never get better? i'm just done.

i dreamt that i was happy, i dreamt that i beat this crippling depression. i dreamt that i got over everything that happened but it's just like a broken slot machine, it's looping all the fucked up shit over and over again, the moment i close my eyes, it doesn't stop.  i want to be better, i want to be happy. -- why did you leave me? why didn't you want me? and then you died.  i don't know who i am and i never will. -- How do i stop this pain and start living, i don't think i can.

 The pattern is getting hard to deny. and the only one i can blame is myself, i create fake scenarios and false realities in my head to make it all less painful but pain is all i have left. I am trying to be happy for other people's success but it's getting hard to, don't get me wrong, i get happy to learn people around me are progressing but it's getting hard to feel that anymore when i know that i am regressing towards below mediocrity, my brain is getting tired of trying to save my emotional self. i don't know how much longer i can give this attempt in living more energy and having things work out for one fucking time without having it all fucked from the start.  i need help and i don't deserve it.

I am trying today.  It was getting dark in my mind yesterday and i got scared. I sleep but i don't feel rested, maybe i can only rest when it all ends. I want to keep on trying but everything in my life is slowly nudging me towards the darkness.

this pain and the feeling of worthlessness is reaching my boiling point, something has to change, i know i have to but i don't think i have the strength to, but i owe it to myself to try, even if it ends in failure. but on the other hand, it would be so easy to just end it all. no one would know and there's minimal impact as no one will care or even know.  this, sometimes, overwhelming endless wave of regrets and pain can just make me cry at the strangest of places, i'm growing older yet i'm already gone in a way, faded into the darkness, what is the point in even trying, everything i touch and the people i actually gave a damn about i turn it all to poison, i see the pattern and i'm the poison, i just want to be around them, the rangers were the best thing about my life and i fucked it all up, i wished they knew how much i miss them, i was the best version of myself when i was around them, maybe that's why it all went to shit. and now, being alone, and broken i...

both of you broke me and i am still trying to fix myself, and the reality is that i probably won't till the day i die. i feel like my mind and my soul is broken. in my madness amidst the overwhelming pain of the mental and emotianal trauma, i've cut all ties to the world, to the people i knew but let's be honest, we weren't close anyway.. -- I never, never want to go home Because I haven't got one

why am i the way i am? i do so many things that i know will hurt me but i keep on doing it, like a fucking broken record. and the fucked up thing is that most of the times it's as if i'm having an out of body experience, looking down on my stupid ass making stupid mistakes and then like a snap i'm in it and fucking sweating like a fucking bitch. i don't know how to stop it. i'm so fucking tired of being this way, i need help and i don't know where or who is willing to even help my bitch ass when i obviously can't even help myself.