Devil said Dance

31 this year and still suffering from shit that happened a while back. Still getting nightmares when i get sleep. i need to learn to live in my head, i don't know if that is a good thing but that is the only thing that i can do. i am still stuck here, dead end job but i can use this place cos i literally don't do shit here. i have to keep reminding myself that i have a plan and the plan is working. 

i want to keep writing down shit but 5 mins in i will start crying. i want to heal but everytime i i want to start healing, the wound opens up again. i just want to find my peace.

how am i still here? how am i still alive? i do not know why i am trudging along this life, i am alone, i won't be missed. i am in pain, that is all i remember ever feeling. -- i don't know how to function, i'm 30, i have no friends, no family. i just want it all to stop. maybe i deserve it.

it has been a week since you died. i hated you so much, i hated you for not believing in me, i know you never accepted me as a son before. your real son died and you tried to cover the pain by taking me in, that didn't help did it. i never thought of this shit from your point of view, but i am now, i am thinking why and how you are the way you are, let me start by saying that i actually tried to live up to your expectations, it wasn't healthy the more i think about it, i know i failed but i really fucking tried. i really really tried my best or what i believe my best was. i was always the last choice, i was always last, i wasn't allowed to watch the tv, i wan't allowed to use the real bathroom, i was just given a thin mattress to sleep on, you and her only bought shit for me when you really needed to, i don't get it, if i was so much of an inconvenience, why take me in at all? if i was such a failure from the start why keep at it? you should have just left me at the...

I remember standing at the gate and you came to me, You came and asked me to stop calling you mama. My soul shattered at that moment, I was 7 or 8. ---- I remembered giving up on myself at that moment, I don't belong. I don't belong anywhere. --- I dreamt i was in your embrace, I dreamt we were laughing over dinner, How you were proud of me and told me you love me No matter what. Then i woke up in the nightmare that is my life. --- Would dying hurt? Is it like a black tide that sweeps you into the dark ocean? Or is it like drifting somewhere? Would anyone miss me when i'm gone? I have spent far too long contemplating this, Should i just get this over and done with? I feel like the weight of all this pain is breaking my shoulders, crushing me. And all i can afford to do is to let it.

it's coming to a year since i left, and i do not know how i am still alive. lend me your strength to keep fighting

i was around some happy family and i did not know that kind of happiness, that kind of love, real unconditional love existed. I'm lost and alone and i deserve this. I felt angry and alone and my insides squirm and screamed at the same time. i don't believe that my problems is bigger than anyone else's but i just want this pain to stop. i feel my life is on repeat, like a prison of sorts, a never ending prison. i am losing my grip on hope, on getting over this pain. i want to feel normal, to be normal but i can't. i feel like there's a hole in my heart and soul and it's getting bigger day by day. i am getting closer to the abyss than i feared. i can never normal, i want to feel hope but i cannot, all i feel is pain and sadness and anger, i walk around in my empty shell day by day just existing.