it has been a week since you died. i hated you so much, i hated you for not believing in me, i know you never accepted me as a son before. your real son died and you tried to cover the pain by taking me in, that didn't help did it. i never thought of this shit from your point of view, but i am now, i am thinking why and how you are the way you are, let me start by saying that i actually tried to live up to your expectations, it wasn't healthy the more i think about it, i know i failed but i really fucking tried. i really really tried my best or what i believe my best was. i was always the last choice, i was always last, i wasn't allowed to watch the tv, i wan't allowed to use the real bathroom, i was just given a thin mattress to sleep on, you and her only bought shit for me when you really needed to, i don't get it, if i was so much of an inconvenience, why take me in at all? if i was such a failure from the start why keep at it? you should have just left me at the bus stop, you shouldn't have tried to make me into your dead son, i am not him. you and her beat me, you ridiculed me, you broke me down mentally from the get go. but you tried though, i gotta give you that. you tried to incorporate me into your hobbies like fishing and shit, even though i hated it. that was the only time i remembered being happy around you cos that was the only time i saw you happy, around your boat and your friends fishing and shit.
i know you wanted me to be so much more than i already am and i am such a disappointment in your life. it feels like you wanted me to be like you almost, but we both know that i am not. you thought i wasn't privy to this but i picked up way early, it fucked me up way young, first of all i lost both biological parents, i never got over that, you never tried to talk to me about that, you brushed it all aside and left me to deal with it on my own. i never did, that scarred me from the start and hearing stories and rumors about them made it worse. i was never smart, i never got the certs, i never lived up to the "family". i left around 7 years ago cos i couldn't take it anymore, things would go really really bad if i stayed, another reason why i left was the constant anger and pain and sadness i feel every single day, simple shit a child wants, like a birthday party or cake even, you all gave up on me, when it was your own children's birthday, you spared no expense. i couldn't give two fucks now about it but if i were to take a step back and view it from my younger self pov, it really hurt, like i felt small, insignificant and always inferior to everyone else.
you kicked me when i got my cert from ite, even though it's nothing compared to what your children has. i remembered crying almost every night not knowing why i feel what i feel. i know i wasn't the most ideal child or whatever to have but i actually tried. i wasn't enough, i get it, i wasn't enough for you and your family. i never fitted in, you tried to enforce religion on me, not taking my shit into perspective, fuck all that, i never believed and never will, i hope you are okay with that.
i am forever broken, by you and your ways. but i know you tried in your own way. as i stared at your dead body i can't help but feel sadness even though it has been a while since we talked. i feel sad cos my younger self feel as though i can never fill this hole. i feel sad, just sad. it does feel slightly better typing this all out, maybe i should know do more of this.
i know you wanted me to be so much more than i already am and i am such a disappointment in your life. it feels like you wanted me to be like you almost, but we both know that i am not. you thought i wasn't privy to this but i picked up way early, it fucked me up way young, first of all i lost both biological parents, i never got over that, you never tried to talk to me about that, you brushed it all aside and left me to deal with it on my own. i never did, that scarred me from the start and hearing stories and rumors about them made it worse. i was never smart, i never got the certs, i never lived up to the "family". i left around 7 years ago cos i couldn't take it anymore, things would go really really bad if i stayed, another reason why i left was the constant anger and pain and sadness i feel every single day, simple shit a child wants, like a birthday party or cake even, you all gave up on me, when it was your own children's birthday, you spared no expense. i couldn't give two fucks now about it but if i were to take a step back and view it from my younger self pov, it really hurt, like i felt small, insignificant and always inferior to everyone else.
you kicked me when i got my cert from ite, even though it's nothing compared to what your children has. i remembered crying almost every night not knowing why i feel what i feel. i know i wasn't the most ideal child or whatever to have but i actually tried. i wasn't enough, i get it, i wasn't enough for you and your family. i never fitted in, you tried to enforce religion on me, not taking my shit into perspective, fuck all that, i never believed and never will, i hope you are okay with that.
i am forever broken, by you and your ways. but i know you tried in your own way. as i stared at your dead body i can't help but feel sadness even though it has been a while since we talked. i feel sad cos my younger self feel as though i can never fill this hole. i feel sad, just sad. it does feel slightly better typing this all out, maybe i should know do more of this.
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