Devil said Dance

I remember standing at the gate and you came to me,
You came and asked me to stop calling you mama.
My soul shattered at that moment,
I was 7 or 8.

----

I remembered giving up on myself at that moment,
I don't belong. I don't belong anywhere.

---

I dreamt i was in your embrace,
I dreamt we were laughing over dinner,
How you were proud of me and told me you love me
No matter what.
Then i woke up in the nightmare that is my life.

---

Would dying hurt?
Is it like a black tide that sweeps you into the dark ocean? Or is it like drifting somewhere?
Would anyone miss me when i'm gone?
I have spent far too long contemplating this,
Should i just get this over and done with?
I feel like the weight of all this pain is breaking my shoulders, crushing me.
And all i can afford to do is to let it.

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reasons to kill myself

what would be better if everything is to end now for this pathetic excuse of a life and a waste of space of an existence that i call life now. 1. No more pain in my heart and head. 2. No more stressing about money, about being able to afford dinner tonight. 3. Just be free in the nothingness of the darkness. 4. Can't be a disappointment and a failure when there is nothing in the dark huh -- what is the word that describes the pain in your heart and soul that is beyond thought? i am the poison, that's why people leave me. i hope that this gets me through one more day.