Devil said Dance

I spent this weekend and many weekends before this not uttering s single word.  But my thoughts and my self talk is going crazy and I am going crazy. I can't be a part of the fake shit anymore, no matter how fucked it might look from the surface level, I can't risk playing this game of when I am going to kill myself, if I turn back I will definitely kill myself, why can't guns be legal here, it would make this so much simpler, one squeeze and I am no more, I can finally rest.

I've lost everyone i know. I let it become like this, i thought it would feel better, it does don't get me wrong, but it still feels bad. I wish i held onto some of it instead of cutting it all off. I didn't realize that it will sting like this. I'm getting older, and I'm still in pain. it doesn't get any better but i have been through this for so long that I'm almost numb to it all. But on the other hand if they were really my friends and if the friendships was worth it for them, they would've held on to this too, but they didn't. So that's that. I want to do so many things but my dark passenger trips and blocks me every single time i attempt to change. Maybe it's all fucked and i gotta learn to be at peace.