Devil said Dance

I remember standing at the gate and you came to me, You came and asked me to stop calling you mama. My soul shattered at that moment, I was 7 or 8. ---- I remembered giving up on myself at that moment, I don't belong. I don't belong anywhere. --- I dreamt i was in your embrace, I dreamt we were laughing over dinner, How you were proud of me and told me you love me No matter what. Then i woke up in the nightmare that is my life. --- Would dying hurt? Is it like a black tide that sweeps you into the dark ocean? Or is it like drifting somewhere? Would anyone miss me when i'm gone? I have spent far too long contemplating this, Should i just get this over and done with? I feel like the weight of all this pain is breaking my shoulders, crushing me. And all i can afford to do is to let it.

it's coming to a year since i left, and i do not know how i am still alive. lend me your strength to keep fighting

i was around some happy family and i did not know that kind of happiness, that kind of love, real unconditional love existed. I'm lost and alone and i deserve this. I felt angry and alone and my insides squirm and screamed at the same time. i don't believe that my problems is bigger than anyone else's but i just want this pain to stop. i feel my life is on repeat, like a prison of sorts, a never ending prison. i am losing my grip on hope, on getting over this pain. i want to feel normal, to be normal but i can't. i feel like there's a hole in my heart and soul and it's getting bigger day by day. i am getting closer to the abyss than i feared. i can never normal, i want to feel hope but i cannot, all i feel is pain and sadness and anger, i walk around in my empty shell day by day just existing.

i tried sharing my pain to an old friend and she told me i was seeking attention,  my heart broke and that is how i knew i am alone. i tried to let someone know i am going through this but when i do i get it all thrown in my face again. at least now i know there is no one i can turn to. maybe some lives are not meant to be spectacular. don't act as if you did not kick me out of the house, don't act as if you traded my future and my money for your own flesh and blood, you killed me, i have grown up with fear and anger and ridicule that was always reserved for me from the get go, i wish your family the best but a part of it i am no more. here's hoping i won't wake up tomorrow.

i'm haunted by dreams of what could have been, woken up by nightmares of my sins.

Days past i feel empty and hollow, Nights go on but i can hear them calling my name i want to feel something. ---- I don't know how i am surviving, i don't know how i am making it through the day without ending my life. i just want the pain to stop, i want to stop trying to hope that this is the last day of my life. i want to feel what the other normal people feel even for just a while. i know that most people do not understand  this pain, this longing  to belong they act as if they do but they really don't. they do this to make themselves feel better about themselves. even the ones who think they are closest to me don't know about my struggles. till next time.