Devil said Dance

My year has been nothing but pain and disappointments, but so has my life, i am broke, alone and the thought of ending it all comes to my mind everyday. i have gone through one hell of a storm and somehow i am still here, i don't know how, i don't know why. it must be a sick joke to someone i guess. i am haunted by what could have been, i am ashamed of how i fucked it all up. i am ashamed of how i let other people fuck it up on my behalf, if only i knew better. but what's done is done and i am reaping what i sow. I wish everyone who is reading this dreadful post a happy new year, may it be filled with happiness and love.

I've been spending my time contemplating on getting things that i want, i want to be with a girl that does not want to be with me, i want to be with a family that does not want me, i want to be immersed in a religion that i don't believe in, i want to feel love but i don't deserve it. I have lived most of my life in a lie that sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two, i created a bubble where i am this amazing guy who actually mattered, who is actually genuinely loved by his family. but i know that will never and i am actually okay with that. I lie about everything in my life, i lie about everything and it comes to a point where i am not ashamed of it anymore. i know i shouldn't do it, i know i shouldn't be pretending about it especially to myself, but it makes me continue living, makes me want to go another day in this earth. i wish i was not like this but i have made peace with it even though i am not, if that makes any sort of sense. I am lo

I cannot feel anything besides all this rage and pain. I pretend every single day, I pretend that i am happy. I know i am just waiting for it all to end, I want to it all to end. I get it, Not everyone gets to live the life we all dream. It just sucks so bad I feel like i am drowning. I pretend to be happy around my friends but all i want is to sleep and never wake up. To sleep and just float away. Let me sleep.

The moment i realize i can never be one of them, I can never feel what they feel. The happiness of living a fulfilling life, Of being loved through and through. I can lie and say it's okay but it's not, It's not okay to feel like this every single time i wake up. Wanting to end it all, This pain, all this anger bubbling beneath my skin. I want to feel what they feel. But i have given up, Or i am just so empty after trying my best.

I wake up and wished i didn't. I wake up wishing this pain, this anger, this emptiness was just a dream. And for a minute i actually believed it was, but then it all come rushing back. Like the coming of the tide i wished for it to end. And i wish it all to end.

i want to feel, anything to make this life real i want to stop this pain to go and start believing i can be someone that makes you proud till then i am sorry

been several months since i got a job. and they are pressuring me to leave the house, i will leave. i will leave all the poison, the kinds that eats you from tbe inside out, behind.  i am trying my best to find a place, a room where i can call my own, do my own laundry, sleep on a bed that is mine, even though i rent it i can still call it mine.  i need to start taking the bus to work, i need to stop taking cab. i need to be more smart with my money.