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Some point in our lives,
we will just sit down.
and think,
think about our friends,
think about our families.
---
i have reached this point in my life,
and i realized that i am blessed.
i am blessed in a way that is unique.
---
"i do not choose my friends,
i do not leave my friends,
i do not hurt my friends"
---
that's what a someone told me.
live by this 3 simple rules and you'll
be just fine.
---
but the thing is,
i broke all 3 rules.
and i guess that's why i'm
like this.
---
i'm not angry or sad,
but sometimes,
i can't help and think
what would happen if i did
some things differently,
would everything be better?
---
some say "move on"
i say "fuck you all"
---
this is life,
i have to deal with my problems.
---
and yes, eriyanti.
i am a hypocrite.
i don't even care if what you
said wasn't aimed at me,
but now it's personal.
---
"take away all these
unnecessary trouble"
---
i'm sorry, fazwan.
i'm sorry i couldn't bring the
rangers back together for you,
cos i think our friendship
was all based on lies and
HYPOCRISY.
---
and i think i said it before,
i don't intend for us to be together again.
ever.
and i fucking mean it.
---
and yeah, eri,
i'm sorry if you befriending me
has left you miserable.
i'm sorry if i always
disappoint you.
wait a minute,
that is my specialty.
and here i was thinking that
you have always been "out".
i am crap,
at least i'm a piece of crap
that is finally doing the right thing.
i actually thought you were a friend,
i guess not.
haha.
you know what, screw it,
i'm not wasting my time
blogging about people who don't give a shit.
fuck it.
and one last thing,
you're right,
you really don't have a sense of humor!
haha.
---
everything is fucking driving me fucking
insane.
---
good night,
and fuck ya'll

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reasons to kill myself

what would be better if everything is to end now for this pathetic excuse of a life and a waste of space of an existence that i call life now. 1. No more pain in my heart and head. 2. No more stressing about money, about being able to afford dinner tonight. 3. Just be free in the nothingness of the darkness. 4. Can't be a disappointment and a failure when there is nothing in the dark huh -- what is the word that describes the pain in your heart and soul that is beyond thought? i am the poison, that's why people leave me. i hope that this gets me through one more day.
Today is tougher than usual, i feel like i am shouting in my head and no one can hear me. i can feel myself day by day becoming more bitter about everything, my mood's to shit and i spend most of my time just trying to calm myself down. There is no semblance of life and i am thumping against the glass, with every thump a crack appears and once it's about to break, all the cracks disappears and i do it all over again, every single day. i took a degree that fucked me, stuck in a dead end job, maybe today's the day that the fates finally had their fill and end it all for me. i hope they do.
I've lost everyone i know. I let it become like this, i thought it would feel better, it does don't get me wrong, but it still feels bad. I wish i held onto some of it instead of cutting it all off. I didn't realize that it will sting like this. I'm getting older, and I'm still in pain. it doesn't get any better but i have been through this for so long that I'm almost numb to it all. But on the other hand if they were really my friends and if the friendships was worth it for them, they would've held on to this too, but they didn't. So that's that. I want to do so many things but my dark passenger trips and blocks me every single time i attempt to change. Maybe it's all fucked and i gotta learn to be at peace.