Devil said Dance

it's more than depressing when i find myself stuck in conversations with peers and motherfuckers who are talking about buying cars that are like half a mill and i am here thinking to myself if i can afford dinner tonight. but i pretend and laugh with them and talk out of my ass as if i knew what the fuck was going on, then after the forced conversations i find myself tracking back how much i just spent on rent alone for the past 15 years and i sink further into depression and i fall again into pit of darkness where my depression awaits i am sick and tired of being a broke ass bitch, and i can't help to feel nothing but anger for the people that pretended to love and care but fucked me over when all i needed was them. this is why i hate to write all this shit down cos i will start crying like a little bitch, i wish i can and knew how to get over this. i'm too damn grown to be breaking down all the time.

i need to disappear. i am struggling to wake up everyday without thinking of suicide. i go through this cycle of depression and the desire to kill myself constantly, daily, hourly, i don't know how long i can fight this off before i actually do it. i come back to this rental room where i overpay for and just stuff myself with food even though i am not hungry. i barely survive each day, i sometimes go to the top floor of each building and talk myself down from just ending it all. i don't know why i do this, i have no one, i have no strings. i had a panic attack when getting take out for dinner, there were like a million muhfuckas around me and i i just suddenly started sweating and shit, things started to get weird, took everything i had to pull myself out of that place.

I wish i was someone else, i wish i was happy, i wish i have people who loves me and wants me to be around but it's not meant to be in this version of my existence, and i don't think i am okay with that, i feel that i am neither here nor there, i am nothing but a shadow of what and how i thought things would work out, every scenario i can think of, every painful past memory gets played on repeat without any warning like i can fucking literally cry in the bus on the way back like a little bitch. and i reach back in my bullshit ass room which i struggle to pay for every fucking month and just stuff my fucking face with food cos that's the only way i feel better, i am a point where i know it's getting from bad to worse, like i fucking see it but i can't stop it nor do i want to but i do feel that i have to change, i owe myself this change but i just want a little help, i want to wake up feeling happy.

Today is tougher than usual, i feel like i am shouting in my head and no one can hear me. i can feel myself day by day becoming more bitter about everything, my mood's to shit and i spend most of my time just trying to calm myself down. There is no semblance of life and i am thumping against the glass, with every thump a crack appears and once it's about to break, all the cracks disappears and i do it all over again, every single day. i took a degree that fucked me, stuck in a dead end job, maybe today's the day that the fates finally had their fill and end it all for me. i hope they do.

I spent this weekend and many weekends before this not uttering s single word.  But my thoughts and my self talk is going crazy and I am going crazy. I can't be a part of the fake shit anymore, no matter how fucked it might look from the surface level, I can't risk playing this game of when I am going to kill myself, if I turn back I will definitely kill myself, why can't guns be legal here, it would make this so much simpler, one squeeze and I am no more, I can finally rest.

I've lost everyone i know. I let it become like this, i thought it would feel better, it does don't get me wrong, but it still feels bad. I wish i held onto some of it instead of cutting it all off. I didn't realize that it will sting like this. I'm getting older, and I'm still in pain. it doesn't get any better but i have been through this for so long that I'm almost numb to it all. But on the other hand if they were really my friends and if the friendships was worth it for them, they would've held on to this too, but they didn't. So that's that. I want to do so many things but my dark passenger trips and blocks me every single time i attempt to change. Maybe it's all fucked and i gotta learn to be at peace.