Devil said Dance

i feel it all going away, i closed my eyes and my youth is gone and i am old now, with nothing to my name, my shadow being my only company. my dreams get darker by the day, the crevice where my soul should be gets emptier and more hollow. but in my darkest times, memories of people i consider family at one point in my life crosses my mind and before my heart breaks everything seemed okay for that couple of minutes, and then reality sets in. and everything comes into focus how do you go on and pretend everything's okay when you know deep down inside that it's better off dying than to be alone. i have been alone for so long that i find myself actively avoiding everyone even though i want to be around people that want me to be around but that does not exist. everyone leaves eventually and i hate that it's still painful whenever it comes to mind, people i consider friends and family ghosting and eventually i am alone. Maybe that's how my life is supposed to end up, tired an...

 if there is a heaven, would you be there? would you be happy? would you have forgiven my pity attempt to be someone, would you have been okay how i am not doing okay. repressed memories keep surfacing and i die inside. i don't know how long i can go on with this life. the masks that i keep changing are getting too many to count that sometimes i get into a panic when i don't know how to react in certain situations. how am i even still alive for this long, maybe this is a curse.

money would solve my problems or at least numb the pain at least. but i barely have it and it's glaringly painful. i would have helped a lot of people if i had money. how do i let this pain go? i am the king of pretending one day and the next i am in pieces. i am in pain and i don't know how to make it go away. what if i made different choices in key decisions of my life. i would be around people i love, i would still have friends, i would still be in a family nuclei. would i be happy then? would i be fulfilled?  but the decisions i've made has either killed or blocked these scenarios from ever happening or working out. That's the truth, and i have to learn to be okay with that.

what would be better if everything is to end now for this pathetic excuse of a life and a waste of space of an existence that i call life now. 1. No more pain in my heart and head. 2. No more stressing about money, about being able to afford dinner tonight. 3. Just be free in the nothingness of the darkness. 4. Can't be a disappointment and a failure when there is nothing in the dark huh -- what is the word that describes the pain in your heart and soul that is beyond thought? i am the poison, that's why people leave me. i hope that this gets me through one more day.

it's more than depressing when i find myself stuck in conversations with peers and motherfuckers who are talking about buying cars that are like half a mill and i am here thinking to myself if i can afford dinner tonight. but i pretend and laugh with them and talk out of my ass as if i knew what the fuck was going on, then after the forced conversations i find myself tracking back how much i just spent on rent alone for the past 15 years and i sink further into depression and i fall again into pit of darkness where my depression awaits i am sick and tired of being a broke ass bitch, and i can't help to feel nothing but anger for the people that pretended to love and care but fucked me over when all i needed was them. this is why i hate to write all this shit down cos i will start crying like a little bitch, i wish i can and knew how to get over this. i'm too damn grown to be breaking down all the time.

i need to disappear. i am struggling to wake up everyday without thinking of suicide. i go through this cycle of depression and the desire to kill myself constantly, daily, hourly, i don't know how long i can fight this off before i actually do it. i come back to this rental room where i overpay for and just stuff myself with food even though i am not hungry. i barely survive each day, i sometimes go to the top floor of each building and talk myself down from just ending it all. i don't know why i do this, i have no one, i have no strings. i had a panic attack when getting take out for dinner, there were like a million muhfuckas around me and i i just suddenly started sweating and shit, things started to get weird, took everything i had to pull myself out of that place.