i need to disappear. i am struggling to wake up everyday without thinking of suicide. i go through this cycle of depression and the desire to kill myself constantly, daily, hourly, i don't know how long i can fight this off before i actually do it. i come back to this rental room where i overpay for and just stuff myself with food even though i am not hungry. i barely survive each day, i sometimes go to the top floor of each building and talk myself down from just ending it all. i don't know why i do this, i have no one, i have no strings. i had a panic attack when getting take out for dinner, there were like a million muhfuckas around me and i i just suddenly started sweating and shit, things started to get weird, took everything i had to pull myself out of that place.
I wish i was someone else, i wish i was happy, i wish i have people who loves me and wants me to be around but it's not meant to be in this version of my existence, and i don't think i am okay with that, i feel that i am neither here nor there, i am nothing but a shadow of what and how i thought things would work out, every scenario i can think of, every painful past memory gets played on repeat without any warning like i can fucking literally cry in the bus on the way back like a little bitch. and i reach back in my bullshit ass room which i struggle to pay for every fucking month and just stuff my fucking face with food cos that's the only way i feel better, i am a point where i know it's getting from bad to worse, like i fucking see it but i can't stop it nor do i want to but i do feel that i have to change, i owe myself this change but i just want a little help, i want to wake up feeling happy.