Devil said Dance

I've lost everyone i know. I let it become like this, i thought it would feel better, it does don't get me wrong, but it still feels bad. I wish i held onto some of it instead of cutting it all off. I didn't realize that it will sting like this. I'm getting older, and I'm still in pain. it doesn't get any better but i have been through this for so long that I'm almost numb to it all. But on the other hand if they were really my friends and if the friendships was worth it for them, they would've held on to this too, but they didn't. So that's that. I want to do so many things but my dark passenger trips and blocks me every single time i attempt to change. Maybe it's all fucked and i gotta learn to be at peace. 

getting forgotten when you die is inevitable, the problem is when you're forgotten when you're still here. -- 34 huh, who'd woulde've thought that i'll still be here. nothing changes but that's on me for being too weak to start the process. i just want to matter to someone.

 how do you cope when your dream, the career you wanted to do for the remainder of your life gets crushed by the fact that you fucked up, with how your current life is panning out, the fuckery is on multiple levels and there is nothing much you can do about it? how do you then come to the fact that it will never get better? i'm just done.

i dreamt that i was happy, i dreamt that i beat this crippling depression. i dreamt that i got over everything that happened but it's just like a broken slot machine, it's looping all the fucked up shit over and over again, the moment i close my eyes, it doesn't stop.  i want to be better, i want to be happy. -- why did you leave me? why didn't you want me? and then you died.  i don't know who i am and i never will. -- How do i stop this pain and start living, i don't think i can.

 The pattern is getting hard to deny. and the only one i can blame is myself, i create fake scenarios and false realities in my head to make it all less painful but pain is all i have left. I am trying to be happy for other people's success but it's getting hard to, don't get me wrong, i get happy to learn people around me are progressing but it's getting hard to feel that anymore when i know that i am regressing towards below mediocrity, my brain is getting tired of trying to save my emotional self. i don't know how much longer i can give this attempt in living more energy and having things work out for one fucking time without having it all fucked from the start.  i need help and i don't deserve it.

I am trying today.  It was getting dark in my mind yesterday and i got scared. I sleep but i don't feel rested, maybe i can only rest when it all ends. I want to keep on trying but everything in my life is slowly nudging me towards the darkness.