Devil said Dance

The past few weeks has been draining, especially emotionally, i now know that the money for my diploma is almost gone and it's not even my fault. I'm not angry nor am i sad. Don't cry before me, i know what you will do what you have to do to keep the family afloat, it just gets a bit harder, that's all. And you don't have to return it also, at least the money have helped you, don't go about saying you wanna pawn your jewelry and stuff, i'm not asking you to return it. Please be strong.

It's always easy to blame others. I know how it feels to be blamed. That was a part of my life I regretted going through, doing bad things. I know it's always easy to point the finger to someone who has committed it before but don't you think that if he didn't do it you're just piling in more pain, more guilt into him. Cos there's no way for him to deny it and you believing him. Put yourself in his shoes, feel his pain, feel his anger. Even though he did all those things before in his teen, don't you think he could have change and maybe it's you who misplace it. The feeling when your own family don't trust you, don't believe your words, give you that dirty look, the feeling just makes you want to kill yourself. I know I'm the one to be blamed cos I put myself in this situation but I try to change, be good. No one notice my attempts to turn over a new leaf, I try so hard. All I ask is to give me a chance.

why am i getting so emotional whenever im updating my blog, a lot of years worth of pain is in this, no one will ever read this nor know that i have a blog. i hate having no money, i hate having ask from you guys, you think i want to? if you want me to fucking work, i'll fucking work goddamnit, and everyone fucking thinks i have money, like i don't even have a dollar on me, i'm not asking for your sympathy, seriously. i feel that you don't care at all, you said you're gonna help me with this, nothing's been happening, what do you mean that you're gonna help? you are not giving me any more money, i get it, for fuck sake what do you want me to do? steal? i can do that, easily. but i don't want to be that person anymore, i really don't. it's very hard to wake up everyday and know that nothing is guaranteed, i hate the fact that i'm so weak, mentally physically and emotionally. i just want this all to end, end please end.