I'm not okay, no matter how many times I try to convince myself I'm okay. I don't know what to feel, think or do. Sleep eludes me. If I know any better, I think I'm losing my mind. Maybe it's how things drastically change, how people around me change. I do not like it. Not one bit. Maybe it's me losing my mind. I don't know. My whole family is fake, my friends are fake. So bloody fake. I feel weird, like everything is not real, I really don't know how to describe it, ya know. I don't have people anyone to talk to, that's why I'm typing it down. I don't know how long more I can control myself, I feel so angry, all the time, I feel like punching someone so hard my hand goes through their face. I feel like taking a knife and burying it in their gut. I don't know why, it just is. I feel so empty, so hollow. Filled with anger, rage. So much anger my hand trembles when I think about it. I just want it to end. All of it. Everything. Please.
My year has been nothing but pain and disappointments, but so has my life, i am broke, alone and the thought of ending it all comes to my mind everyday. i have gone through one hell of a storm and somehow i am still here, i don't know how, i don't know why. it must be a sick joke to someone i guess. i am haunted by what could have been, i am ashamed of how i fucked it all up. i am ashamed of how i let other people fuck it up on my behalf, if only i knew better. but what's done is done and i am reaping what i sow. I wish everyone who is reading this dreadful post a happy new year, may it be filled with happiness and love.
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