Devil said Dance

 if there is a heaven, would you be there? would you be happy? would you have forgiven my pity attempt to be someone, would you have been okay how i am not doing okay. repressed memories keep surfacing and i die inside. i don't know how long i can go on with this life. the masks that i keep changing are getting too many to count that sometimes i get into a panic when i don't know how to react in certain situations. how am i even still alive for this long, maybe this is a curse.

money would solve my problems or at least numb the pain at least. but i barely have it and it's glaringly painful. i would have helped a lot of people if i had money. how do i let this pain go? i am the king of pretending one day and the next i am in pieces. i am in pain and i don't know how to make it go away. what if i made different choices in key decisions of my life. i would be around people i love, i would still have friends, i would still be in a family nuclei. would i be happy then? would i be fulfilled?  but the decisions i've made has either killed or blocked these scenarios from ever happening or working out. That's the truth, and i have to learn to be okay with that.