Devil said Dance

 The pattern is getting hard to deny. and the only one i can blame is myself, i create fake scenarios and false realities in my head to make it all less painful but pain is all i have left. I am trying to be happy for other people's success but it's getting hard to, don't get me wrong, i get happy to learn people around me are progressing but it's getting hard to feel that anymore when i know that i am regressing towards below mediocrity, my brain is getting tired of trying to save my emotional self. i don't know how much longer i can give this attempt in living more energy and having things work out for one fucking time without having it all fucked from the start.  i need help and i don't deserve it.

I am trying today.  It was getting dark in my mind yesterday and i got scared. I sleep but i don't feel rested, maybe i can only rest when it all ends. I want to keep on trying but everything in my life is slowly nudging me towards the darkness.

this pain and the feeling of worthlessness is reaching my boiling point, something has to change, i know i have to but i don't think i have the strength to, but i owe it to myself to try, even if it ends in failure. but on the other hand, it would be so easy to just end it all. no one would know and there's minimal impact as no one will care or even know.  this, sometimes, overwhelming endless wave of regrets and pain can just make me cry at the strangest of places, i'm growing older yet i'm already gone in a way, faded into the darkness, what is the point in even trying, everything i touch and the people i actually gave a damn about i turn it all to poison, i see the pattern and i'm the poison, i just want to be around them, the rangers were the best thing about my life and i fucked it all up, i wished they knew how much i miss them, i was the best version of myself when i was around them, maybe that's why it all went to shit. and now, being alone, and broken i...