Devil said Dance

My year has been nothing but pain and disappointments, but so has my life, i am broke, alone and the thought of ending it all comes to my mind everyday. i have gone through one hell of a storm and somehow i am still here, i don't know how, i don't know why. it must be a sick joke to someone i guess. i am haunted by what could have been, i am ashamed of how i fucked it all up. i am ashamed of how i let other people fuck it up on my behalf, if only i knew better. but what's done is done and i am reaping what i sow. I wish everyone who is reading this dreadful post a happy new year, may it be filled with happiness and love.

I've been spending my time contemplating on getting things that i want, i want to be with a girl that does not want to be with me, i want to be with a family that does not want me, i want to be immersed in a religion that i don't believe in, i want to feel love but i don't deserve it. I have lived most of my life in a lie that sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two, i created a bubble where i am this amazing guy who actually mattered, who is actually genuinely loved by his family. but i know that will never and i am actually okay with that. I lie about everything in my life, i lie about everything and it comes to a point where i am not ashamed of it anymore. i know i shouldn't do it, i know i shouldn't be pretending about it especially to myself, but it makes me continue living, makes me want to go another day in this earth. i wish i was not like this but i have made peace with it even though i am not, if that makes any sort of sense. I am lo