Devil said Dance

How is it my fault that you guys go broke? I didn't ask you to invest in that business.. Remember it's your mistakes, not mine. I can't go to school cos you sending her go overseas and shit, I have to work and support myself and help with the bills? Tell me which part of it is fair? I try to not ask money all the time but please use your brain, I don't have to eat? I don't have to spend money when I go out? Is that your idea of fair? Might as well I move out, live on my own since I have to pay for everything. At least if I do that I have a place to call my own, I have no privacy here, I have no room, I hate sleeping on the floor, you know how sucky that is, every fucking day, son of a bitch, no one understand my needs and shit, and you call yourselves my family, no man, that is total bullshit.

I don't know why am I still here, breathing and pretending as if everything's ok. I really wanna be okay. I don't want to feel hollow inside, I don't wanna feel that I have nothing to live for, I'm not living, I'm just existing. I'm sick to the bone with everything. I just want it all to stop. I feel that i am losing myself to this darkness inside me. I fear that I like it. Like not feeling anything. Like not having to care. Please don't make it stop.

I'm not okay, no matter how many times I try to convince myself I'm okay. I don't know what to feel, think or do. Sleep eludes me. If I know any better, I think I'm losing my mind. Maybe it's how things drastically change, how people around me change. I do not like it. Not one bit. Maybe it's me losing my mind. I don't know. My whole family is fake, my friends are fake. So bloody fake. I feel weird, like everything is not real, I really don't know how to describe it, ya know. I don't have people anyone to talk to, that's why I'm typing it down. I don't know how long more I can control myself, I feel so angry, all the time, I feel like punching someone so hard my hand goes through their face. I feel like taking a knife and burying it in their gut. I don't know why, it just is. I feel so empty, so hollow. Filled with anger, rage. So much anger my hand trembles when I think about it. I just want it to end. All of it. Everything. Please.