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is this what happens
when people hate you?
is this what happens
when they give up on you?
--------
is this how it feels to be
utterly lost of words?
is this how it feels when
you did something so wrong
and there's nothing you can
do about it?
is this how it feels when
the pressure of wanting
to make up for what you've
done just go way over your head?
--------
i want to change some things but
as a leopard don't change it's spots,
i guess it's the same as me.
many would say i'm weak,
in the sense of that i'm too
weak to change.
i admit,
i am weak.
i am weak.
i am weak.
----------
daily reminders makes me
weak.
daily reminders of the mistakes
i've done makes me weak.
daily reminders of what i have to do
makes me weak.
----------
tears can't help me,
love won't save me.
----------
i do what i do,
and i know sorry won't
help.
i'm just so sorry.
----------
"A couple of hundred years ago,
Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success.
Never leave that till tomorrow, he said,
which you can do today.
This is the man who discovered electricity.
You think more people would listen to what he had to say.
I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess,
I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear.
Fear of failure,
Fear of rejection,
sometimes the fear is just of making a decision,
because what if you're wrong?
What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?
The early bird catches the worm.
A stitch in time saves nine.
He who hesitates is lost.
We can't pretend we hadn't been told.
We've all heard the proverbs,
heard the philosophers,
heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time,
heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.
Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves.
We have to make our own mistakes.
We have to learn our own lessons.
We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore.
Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant.
That knowing is better than wondering,
that waking is better than sleeping,
and even the biggest failure,
even the worst,
beat the hell out of never trying."

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reasons to kill myself

what would be better if everything is to end now for this pathetic excuse of a life and a waste of space of an existence that i call life now. 1. No more pain in my heart and head. 2. No more stressing about money, about being able to afford dinner tonight. 3. Just be free in the nothingness of the darkness. 4. Can't be a disappointment and a failure when there is nothing in the dark huh -- what is the word that describes the pain in your heart and soul that is beyond thought? i am the poison, that's why people leave me. i hope that this gets me through one more day.
Today is tougher than usual, i feel like i am shouting in my head and no one can hear me. i can feel myself day by day becoming more bitter about everything, my mood's to shit and i spend most of my time just trying to calm myself down. There is no semblance of life and i am thumping against the glass, with every thump a crack appears and once it's about to break, all the cracks disappears and i do it all over again, every single day. i took a degree that fucked me, stuck in a dead end job, maybe today's the day that the fates finally had their fill and end it all for me. i hope they do.
I've lost everyone i know. I let it become like this, i thought it would feel better, it does don't get me wrong, but it still feels bad. I wish i held onto some of it instead of cutting it all off. I didn't realize that it will sting like this. I'm getting older, and I'm still in pain. it doesn't get any better but i have been through this for so long that I'm almost numb to it all. But on the other hand if they were really my friends and if the friendships was worth it for them, they would've held on to this too, but they didn't. So that's that. I want to do so many things but my dark passenger trips and blocks me every single time i attempt to change. Maybe it's all fucked and i gotta learn to be at peace.