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this pain and the feeling of worthlessness is reaching my boiling point, something has to change, i know i have to but i don't think i have the strength to, but i owe it to myself to try, even if it ends in failure. but on the other hand, it would be so easy to just end it all. no one would know and there's minimal impact as no one will care or even know.  this, sometimes, overwhelming endless wave of regrets and pain can just make me cry at the strangest of places, i'm growing older yet i'm already gone in a way, faded into the darkness, what is the point in even trying, everything i touch and the people i actually gave a damn about i turn it all to poison, i see the pattern and i'm the poison, i just want to be around them, the rangers were the best thing about my life and i fucked it all up, i wished they knew how much i miss them, i was the best version of myself when i was around them, maybe that's why it all went to shit. and now, being alone, and broken i
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both of you broke me and i am still trying to fix myself, and the reality is that i probably won't till the day i die. i feel like my mind and my soul is broken. in my madness amidst the overwhelming pain of the mental and emotianal trauma, i've cut all ties to the world, to the people i knew but let's be honest, we weren't close anyway.. -- I never, never want to go home Because I haven't got one
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lost

why am i the way i am? i do so many things that i know will hurt me but i keep on doing it, like a fucking broken record. and the fucked up thing is that most of the times it's as if i'm having an out of body experience, looking down on my stupid ass making stupid mistakes and then like a snap i'm in it and fucking sweating like a fucking bitch. i don't know how to stop it. i'm so fucking tired of being this way, i need help and i don't know where or who is willing to even help my bitch ass when i obviously can't even help myself. 
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i didn't know her but it makes me sad to see someone that was nice to me gone, it's weird.  it pains me to see someone with everything going for them in life to have it all taken away in an instant, life doesn't give a fuck, and it's cruel to see people who deserve life have it taken away from them. i wish peace and love to you. -- i wish i was the one that's gone, i have nothing to live for, no one that gives af besides someone from my past who is suffering from dementia who fucked my life up and yeah. there is nothing. growing older sucks and the reality is that it probably won't get any better, my shit is so insignificant that it hurts to think and feel. i wished i made some different choices in life, regrets and pain is all i have left in the tank, i am here but i am not here at the same time, 
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 i hate being fat, and yes i know that motherfuckers would think "just lose weight", i don't know why it's so difficult for me, ok i lied, i know why. and i'm scared to face it head on. maybe i just don't. It's a mix of just accepting this and definitely all the underlying trauma that i have in my life. why don't i fix it? maybe it's the shame and potentially devastating outcome it might end with. Being alone sucks too but that's the reality that i chose and i should lie in the bed that i made. even if there was a chance to change the past i believe deep down it will still lead to this, me being alone and empty and just waiting for things to end. pushing everyone and everything away fixed my problems at one point in time but in the long run i can that maybe it isn't.  the pain i go through evey night isn't worth it, especially the pain inside, old shit keep replaying over and over again in my head like i'm being tortured, i don'
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shit

why do i keep trying even when there's no point to? is my humanity the reason for me to keep on going?  at my core i know i'm done, but i am scared, scared that it will hurt before i die. why can't there be a button to just switch off.  the only way for me to make it through the day is by being a straight up cunt, cos people are cunts. nice people have a way of staying away from me, i would too if i were them, i am nothing but a cloud of darkness and negativity and poison that slowly corrupts and destroys everything that is good that happen to cross paths with me. something drastic needs to happen, the only thing i can think of is to just step off the ledge of the highest building straight to hell.  This is the reason why i squeeze all this pain and troubling thoughts into an imaginary box, lock it and throw away the key deep in my psyche, but the monsters keep on coming back no matter what i do, i'm done breaking down in the bus, at the bus stops, at work, in my room,
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I know, in my heart, that it's done. I just don't know how to end it. I have nothing and am nothing. I can't talk or type about this without ending up crying and sobbing like a fucking baby. And it hurts all the time, and that's the truth. I need help and i can't find it, that's a god damn lie, i don't deserve to be helped.
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